i'm so happy to be home now. at night time. all alone. if i had to hear one more criticism, i was going to explode. i'm a hypocrite. "i had burger king today, it was so good!" you're stupid. you say you want to lose weight and you eat fast food. "it was all i ate today...it was only chicken. and i had a fucking water. big deal." i should just shut up because you hate me. "i don't hate you." close the damn door! argument with mother. i want to kill people. wouldn't that be fun? to just attack people with a big stick, like a pinata? but instead of candy, you get blood. "right." getting a mint. "...i want a mint please." gives. "thank you. you're sweet." silence. "you're welcome for the mint, miranda. you're sweet too, miranda." i'm sorry, i just don't fucking say you're welcome. it's pointless. rambling. ranting. complaining. your shirt smells like mothballs, damn that [friend's name]. "moved away from you..."

i couldn't fucking take it anymore! i was going to die. i feel so worthless right now. fucking die. now. this is no good. this feeling is no good. i can't take his anger sometimes. he scares me. sometimes i think he wants to kill me. i can't make a mistake. i want to be fucking beautiful. i want to starve. i don't ever want to be put down again. i want to be stronger. i want to not want to fucking die. i want him to control his anger. i want him to feel the way i do. he is my heart and soul. he controls me. fucking cake and brownies and cookies and fat and calories and sugar and diet and everything need to fucking DIE. i'm so sick of it all. what i wouldn't give to be 20 pounds lighter. dammit to all living hell. i want this feeling to go away. i need it out of my system. i don't want to remember it. i had to write. i had to, i just had to. this will make no sense to me in the future. i had to.