so i thought everything was better, but tough cookies for me.

"i just don't know what to do with myself..."

so yesterday my boytoy and i had our day-long break. lauren and i went shopping. we bought nice things. we went to eat, and then went over to best buy. i bought a white stripes album. it's exquisite. <3.

then,...i went home for a while. jessica came over and we went together to her cousin suzy's apartment. she had a friend over too, who had 2 little kids, and we all went swimming. some creepy guy kept talking to us in the hot tub. hmm. afterwards, me, jess, and suzy had hamburgers in suzy's apartment, and we watched sweet home alabama. jess and i left around 10:30. we went to wal-mart to pick me up a toothbrush, and her some hair gel. then we drove over to tiny's house to hang out. there were a bunch of guys over there celebrating greg's birthday. it was tiny, greg, raymond, james, david, bryan, and richie...and us two girls...and a big giant dog. heh. but, we had loads of fun. all of the boys [except richie] were all drinking and whatnot, of course. twas funny. tiny showed me a game on his computer called "adult tetris," where naked guys and girls fall in different positions, and you have to connect them together to look like they're doing it. ahh, it was hilarious. then richie was playing vice city and me and jess kept hitting him and whatnot. he's such an asshole. he kept hitting me...a lot. it hurt sometimes. but it was okay. whatever.

so...jess and i went home and we baked chocolate muffins and watched romeo and juliet. we fell asleep around 3 something in the morning. we woke up at 11, and got showered up. we went over to the park for a bit, and then to the mall. i got some new underwear. yay. we went to sam's and got hit on [we think] by some guy who worked for that glamour shots place. hm, whatever. we tried to buy kitty litter and horse feed, but jess's mom's sams card was expired. the lady was rude to us. grr. then we went back over to tiny's...greg and raymond were still over there. then jess dropped me off home. a bunch of my family was over looking at our new granite countertops that my mom is so proud of...*gag*

then my gay boyfriend came over. we sat around the house. watched the last part of terminator 2. went to whataburger to get my 'rents some food. watched tv some more. he went home. he was rude all night. i was being a cold shoulder. we're not getting along very well, and it's really depressng me. i feel so bleg. i haven't been kissed in two days. there's no affection anymore. we're dying. i feel so emotionless these days. my friends make me feel better, but every night i just end up in the same hole. i'm just sitting here pigging out on spongebob cheese nips, tying to figure out what has been going wrong. i miss him every second i'm not with him. sometimes i can't stand the comments he makes about me. i'll love him until death do us part. i just don't know anymore, how life can be lived this way. i can't go back to where i've been. i'm paranoid about what this next season brings...

last year was heart break...what's next?