i know i haven't been here in forever, and now that i am, it's sort of relieving. i could say whatever the fuck i wanted, and no one i know could see this. i could talk about how i was SO close to sleeping with kyle and how sometimes i wish i would've. and about how much i miss him and his sleepovers and having a relationship without feelings. i could talk about how i cheated on my ex with gabriel a lot of times. for months. and how now i can't stand to see him because he thinks anytime i visit it's because i want action and to not actually know how he's doing [which is wrong]. about how the last time i saw him he practically tried to rape me. i could talk about my suitemate carrie, and how she was a cutter and a drunk. and how those mixed together are really fucking scary. and how she came home drunk one night and showed me her scars in the bathroom, claiming they were pretty, like a "flower." my first year of college was fucking insane.

francisco and i broke up after the first semester, it was inevitable. in january, my parents separated, and by march they were living in seperate cities. i got a 3.5GPA my first semester and made the dean's list, and the second semester i made a 2.6 - i didn't get stupid, everyone around me did. i made 3 new best friends, one of which is no longer my best friend. she has hurt me quite possibly the most out of any person i've ever known. and that's saying something. and btw, i go to the university of north texas.

so now i am spending a summer at my mom's, i won't call it home, because it's not. i'm a temporary roommate until i get my apartment in denton in august. i have dated a few people and they've all destroyed my ego so much that i've decided to be all self-rightous and love myself too much, to make up for everyone who doesn't. i am interested in someone who lives 5 hours away from where i live now. i'm terrified of any sort of relationship, but i'm hoping he will help me get past that because i know not everyone can do what i want them to.

i spend most of my time with my family. and while i love them to death, i'm counting down the days to when i move back. five hours away.

i'm unlocking this if i can figure out how. eat me alive, for all i care. i have to be honest now.

this is what i look like now.

i want so badly to believe that there is truth and love is real.