ohhh where to begin.

i am so IN LOVE with zack. and i still have yet to tell him. i know i won't scare him off or anything, i just worry that it has the potential to be weird, in case he doesn't feel the same way. and i just want it to go really well. i just wish he would say it first.

when i don't see him for long periods of time [and by this, i mean nearly a day], i freak out. and i know that's really bad of me to do. i'm still trying to convince myself that i'm not dependent on him. i don't need him, i just really love him. and i want to be with him constantly. the feelings that i get with him are so amazing. he makes me happy and at ease of everything else that is bothering me [which is a lot].

last week when i did not get to see him for about three days, i got into a really bad slump. i was sad about a lot of things and i ended up heating up my curling iron and making eight slashes across my right leg. i've been walking around the apartment in shorts plenty of times, and still, no one has noticed. i have been naked with zack plenty since then, and he has not noticed. it's sort of depressing...they are blatantly obvious. so i gave in and i told mark, which was a really big mistake, because now i've taken a huge blow to my ego. i know i wanted someone to notice and take pity, but i don't know who i wanted that to be. i have no idea what my intentions were. and it seems like i don't half the time. i'm kind of crazy. which is probably bad since i want to be a therapist.

i am really not getting along with ariel, except, we are fake getting along just nicely. she hates zack and i know she'd rejoice if she never saw him again...and probably the same with me. so he has been over less often recently [because of that, and because he's always working]. i've been trying to spend more time at his place. i respect her opinion, it's just frustrating trying to monitor my boyfriend time like i'm a fucking thirteen year old. i'm pretty sure when we all move out that her and i won't be friends anymore. and it's not even a bitter thing...i've tried my share of times to try to work things out, but it's not worth it anymore. in my crazy life i live, the last thing i need is another person close to me to be unstable.

and...mark thinks he is in love with me. it really bothers me and i have no idea what to do about it. he keeps everything in and never tells me shit whenever i could talk for days about myself and my innermost feelings. i severely wish i could stop...i feel like i'm revealing myself. i don't want him knowing everything about me. i feel like that is zack's place, but it is hard to find a balance since him and i have known each other for a considerably shorter time than mark and i. i just don't know. i know i'm special, but seriously, lots of people are. i know mark could find someone that would treat him nicely. and it wouldn't be me...i'm a basketcase.

i haven't REALLY talked to my parents since the last time i was home. maybe that's why i feel so alone and isolated.