zack and i became a lot closer this weekend, i think.

he let me pick out clothes for him while shopping.

we fooled around three times in one night...and again the next.

we took a shower together and it was pretty much the hottest experience of my life.

we talked about what it would be like to be married in the future. apparently, we both think about it.

but he still does not love me.

onto seriousness. zack is a very strong christian, which is one of the things i most admire about him. and he is waiting for marriage to have sex. seeing as how i have had sex before, it gets really hard for us both to say no [because he's a boy and really wants it too, of course]. so we haven't had sex because i respect him and i will wait as long as necessary. but last night, he put it in and it felt so amazing. i asked if it was okay, and he said not really, and then he pulled out and that was that. i know he's the one that did it, but i feel guilty for being a bad influence. and i always swore i wouldn't have sex with someone again until we were in love. and while i am, he is not. and it bothers me. the last person i had sex with practically raped me...i was drunk and he took advantage of me. and now i've sort of had sex with zack...and it bothers me. i tried to talk to him about it afterwards but he kept saying it was fine, no big deal. but i feel like it is. i'll probably try to talk to him about it again tonight, since he's had some time to think about it. i just don't want to pressure him into things he doesn't want to do. i want to be wife material, not lover material. and i fear our relationship is getting to sexual and we're just going to settle at that. but it's just so nice.

i'm confused.