i should be really happy right now.

yesterday was our two monthiversary. zack made a candlelit lunch at his place and it was lovely. he had told me the night before that i was going to get a surprise. when i asked him about it, he said he wasnt ready. i knew it was saying i love you. so i started crying because being patient is really wearing me down emotionally. i think he got a little irritated. i am just exhausted from everything.

so he went to work and i studied all night and i eventually found out he had left in my room flowers and a card with a nice note inside that said he loved me. i was so happy. so i spent all night trying to call him back and never any answer.

i checked my email to find out that i was rejected from the dance studio job i applied for. i feel worthless. i waited until he was supposed to be off work and called again to talk to him. he said it would be a while and he wasn't sure he'd come over after. i obviously had sadness in my voice. i told him i needed him and had something to talk about. but i guess he just completely voided it, because he never showed up last night. he left me to sleep alone in my bed for the first time in at least a month. worst sleep ever...i was so angry.

it is so hard to be thankful. it's actually crossed my mind that he doesn't mean what he wrote. if he truly did, wouldn't he be here for me?

i refuse to try to contact him today. but he can try all he wants.